How can I describe the thought of leaving our children overnight....
Frightening, terrifying, daunting, awful, panic inducing.... and just down right scary. When I say my anxiety about this has been at a solid 8/10 for WEEKS I mean it.
But at the same time we were day dreaming about how nice it would be to go out for a meal without someone climbing across the seats, spilling food on everyone's laps and refusing to eat a single bite of whatever it is the cartoon on the menu convinced them they would love *eye roll*. How a full, uninterrupted nights sleep would give us LIFE again after months (years) without. How a chance to reconnect with my partner is long overdue and you're both desperately in need of adult interaction before you completely forget how to talk to anyone over the age of 5.
Well we have just done it. For one night the kids stayed away from us and I have a LOT to say about it. So much in fact that I'll be splitting this into a multiple posts:
This post is going to be about OUR personal experience. The lead up, being away, how we're all feeling now that we're back and one very important thing you should never forget....
So lets jump right in!
The hardest part was the anticipation. I'll say louder for anyone that might currently also be leading up to their first night away that was THE hardest part about the whole thing. I'm a professional worrier so playing all the worst case scenarios over and over in my mind came easily. What if they got sick? Or hurt? What if our 2 year old was inconsolable? What if our 5 year old is? What if they start fighting? And what if we haven't been clear enough on our parenting style and views with those looking after them?
And then suddenly you're packing the bags, for yourself and for them, trying to think of all the things that you might needs and what they might need without you there. How many spare socks should you pack for them? Is this enough nappies? What about the wipes? Should I pack them more snacks? Maybe I should pack plates and cups? What about stuffed toys? Why is my child adding a Lucky Waving Cat to their bag?!? Is there enough medicine if teeth start flaring up? How many books is too many books?
You know something will be missed or forgotten and you hope beyond hope it isn't something that has been vital in the bedtime routine (spoiler alert, we did forget something vital in the bedtime routine *face palm*) but know for the most part you have your bases covered and unless there's a spontaneous trip to Niagara Falls there's enough spare clothes and waterproofs to last 24 hours.
Deep Breath. It's time to say goodbye....
The kids run off and don't even look back...
You have to chase them down to request a quick kiss and hug (that you get refused by one child), get in the car and drive away...
Literally running away from us trying to say bye
For us, we drove 2 hours away and it took the full first hour for my leg to stop kicking up and down, my brain to quiet and to actually start to enjoy the alone time with my partner. The kids didn't leave my mind for more than 60 seconds, but the anxiety started to ease. They had been left before, we knew they were going to have fun during the day so it was time we did the same.
Fast forward past several long discussions about where and when to go out to eat and we got to enjoy our first childfree meal in months... and it was bliss. We both got to have an alcoholic beverage without having to have a designated "just in case" driver. We got to order exactly what we wanted and not worry about if we were going to have to finish the kids food or drinks. We were able to take our time and enjoy it without somehow being both rushed by, and impatiently waiting for little hands to finish their food. It was everything we had daydreamed it would be and more... But it didn't stop both of us brining up the kids every few sentences. "Calliope would love this" "Imagine if Lauchlan saw the whole prawns"....
But (and it's a big but)
I didn't once feel guilty. Not once (not at this point any way). This was our night and was sorely needed. We do so much with and for the kids and very rarely do something that is just for us (Make that never thinking about it). We actually finished the meal in about half the time we were expecting so got to relax and get ready for the concert at the hotel before having to head out!
The concert was also absolutely FANTASTIC! I was pulled straight back to my teenage years, literally buzzing and jumping with excitement and singing until my voice was all but gone... I still didn't stop thinking about the kids, especially when ever I looked at my watch and knew that daily milestones were coming up, dinner, wind down and especially bed time. The concert flew by, we left sweaty, exhausted and ready for whatever food we could find at (almost) midnight.
Literal jumps for joy at spotting the plectrum on the floor!
We hadn't heard anything, good or bad, since we had dropped the kids off and I knew there would be 1 of 2 reasons for that:
The kids were having a blast and the people looking after them wanted us to enjoy the time away without being distracted with missing them..
The kids were not having a blast and the people looking after them wanted us to enjoy the time away without feeling guilty for leaving them.
Cue 1am, unable to sleep and the guilt creeping in that it was probably the later. Ambulances going past every 15 making the guilt and anxiety grow with every siren, setting off literal alarm bells in my mind.
Video footage of me from Sunday morning
I ended up getting less sleep than when we have a bad, wakeful, teething and sickness bug, night at home.
Sunrise came and I managed to put it out of my mind. If the kids weren't ok, they would tell me. Have a bath (alone!) and make the most of it before going back to being mum I told myself. Allow yourself to just be Ellie for a few more hours without those responsibilities and just look forward to finding out what fun they had without you later.
Coffee and breakfast date and then it was time to go again. By now I was back to being completely relaxed (if a little tired and grumpy) and enjoyed laughing and reliving the night before.
That changed once we picked the kids and dog up.
We found out that Lauchlan had not been ok, bedtime had not gone smoothly (the dog included) and the night had been equally as wakeful as my own. Despite us being an hour earlier with pick up than planned we had to do a very quick turn around and leave without getting any more details than "Calliope was a delight and we would have her again any time".
This completely broke my heart. I cried on the drive home and both the kids had a very long snooze (after Calliope asking when we could go again but all together). Once we got home Lauchlan refused to talk to his dad for hours and only the promise of pizza (his kryptonite) finally brought back his smiley self after being told firmly "NO FUN AWAY".
We always knew it was going to be hard, for us and for them. I think it's actually been harder since we've gotten home and the guilt that we ignored whilst we were away has seeped into every pore of our bodies.
Jumper from Little Green Radicals aff. link
We know now that he wasn't ready and deep down neither were we. We jumped too soon into a night away after a successful day away. I know that he won't remember this night as he grows up. He's too young. But we will and it's been a tough lesson to learn.
Did we have an amazing time? Yes. And it was necessary as a couple to have that time just to ourselves. Did the kids have a good time? Well Calliope did, and she's told us Lauchlan had fun too it was just hard at night. However we won't be doing this again for a very long time. It was a step too far for us all. September brings about my 30th birthday and another night away/concert, which is now very likely to be cancelled. Either Lauchlan won't be ready or I won't be ready for the potential of another upsetting night away for him.
It's given me a lot to think about and despite many people saying over the years "they have to be left at some point" the experience has given me some vindication in my belief that THEY haven't been ready.
I've posted about this experience in my Instagram stories as they've happened and I've never had so many responses from people. Everything ranging from others who have either just left their children for the first time and it was wonderful to those who haven't left them yet and have felt pressured to do so to people who aren't parents yet but gave some solid and grounding advice.
My advice after all of this is that everyone is different, every child, every parent, every carer, everyone looking after them and every situation to them being left. It can be impossible to get all the factors right but if you're gut is telling you that it isn't the right time, trust it. If you're in a situation where it can't be avoided, overprepare for it.... and DON'T. FORGET. A. NIGHT. LIGHT!
I would love to hear your experiences, good, bad or still hanging on for the right time, in the comments so that they might help others feel vindicated in their decisions too.
*Side note! We are very appreciative of the people who looked after the kids for us. 2 year olds are difficult at the best of times and we understand that and they did a great job in the circumstances.
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